Wednesday, 24 August 2011

The Fair Sex

As the end of the 'silly season' is nigh I thought I might re-air something which I posted back in July 2009 and, for those who have not seen it, I believe is still amusing. It is a small piece that Mary Archer wrote for what was a Rag Week magazine, I understand. Other versions do exist, but I believe this to be the original.
Element: Woman

Symbol: Wo

Discoverer: Adam

Atomic Mass: Accepted as 55kg but known to vary from 45kg to 225kg

Occurrence: Found in large quantities in urban areas, with trace elements in outlying areas

Physical Properties: Boils at absolutely nothing, freezes for no apparent reason, melts if given special treatment, bitter if used incorrectly  
Chemical Properties: Affinity to Gold, Silver, Platinum and all precious stones. The most powerful money reducing agent known to man

Common Use: Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. Can be a very effective cleaning agent

Hazards: Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.
To round off this attempt at humour, some quotations:

Oscar Wilde:
Young men want to be faithful and are not, old men want to be faithless and cannot.
Bigamy is having one wife too many, monogamy is the same.
George Meredith:
I expect women to be the last thing civilized by man.
God made man before women so as to give him time to think of an answer to her first question.
A mistress is something between a mister and a mattress.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
 H.L. Mencken:
Lawyers are people specifically educated to discover legal excuses for dishonest, dishonourable and anti-social acts.


English Pensioner said...

There's a somewhat similar piece explaining why computers are female. I can't remember all the points but a couple are
1. Freezes for some totally unknown reason and won't tell you what you've done wrong.
2. Costs a fortune to maintain as it always requires the latest software even though the existing software is perfectly OK.

WitteringsfromWitney said...

EP: Mary Archer's spoof has 'fathered' a number of variants - but you can't beat the original!