Humour - The 'Y' Generation

People born before 1946 are called -
The Pre-War Generation.


People born between 1946 and 1964 are called -
The Baby Boomers.


People born between 1965 and 1979 are called -
Generation X.

And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called - Generation Y. Why do we call the last group -Generation Y ? Y should I get a job? Y should I leave home and find my own place? Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours? Y should I clean my room? Y should I wash and iron my own clothes? Y should I buy any food? But perhaps a cartoonist explained it best:

And now for a bit of humour......

......courtesy of Darth Meerkat (with an amendment)


"Ireland v France

 The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

“Hallo, Mr. Teacozy!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. Oi am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you... We voted to reject the Fisticuffs Treaty - you know, the one your pal, Cameron, walked away from”

“Well Paddy, my name is Sarkozy”, he replied. “How big is your army?”

“Right now”, says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, “there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!”

Sarkozy paused. “I must tell you Paddy that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

“Begorra!” says Paddy. “Oi'l have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. “Mr Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!”

“And what equipment would that be Paddy?” Sarkozy asks.

“Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.”

Sarkozy sighs amused. “I must tell you Paddy that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.”

“Saints preserve us!” says Paddy. “Oi'I have to get back to you.”

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. “Mr Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!”

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you Paddy that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!”

“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” says Paddy, “Oi'l have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. “Top o' the mornin' Mr Sarkozy! Oi am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.”

“Really? I am sorry to hear that”, says Sarkozy. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Well”, says Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps and we decided there is no flaming way we can feed 200,000 prisoners...."


It may be an oldie (amended), but.............!

More humour - not so risqué

A few pertinent sayings......


To our politicians who, especially at PMQs, delight in quoting each other:

Silence is not only golden - it is seldom misquoted.

To those of the political elite, on discovering they have been caught out':

Lawyers are people specifically educated to discover legal excuses for dishonest, dishonourable and anti-social acts.

To those among us, who seem unable to see or hear that which is being done to us:

When it comes to evil, to tolerate is to accommodate, to accommodate is to appease, to appease is to concede defeat.

 To those politicians who daily demonstrate their unsuitability to government:

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

 Finally, to politicians in general, for whom I have no respect:

You have one advantage over me; you can kiss my arse - I can't.

Time for some risqué humour......

While taking a break from two 'serious' papers I'm trying to write for Talk Constitution - plus having imbibed a tad - I notice that the Express is forecasting a loada snow, which reminded me of a joke, or two.

God made man before woman so as to give him time think of an answer to her first question.

A mistress is something between a mister and a mattress.

Women are the foundations of our society - just remember who laid them.

Snow......? Snow.......? - oh, yes:

For a woman sex is like snow - they never know how many inches they are going to get, nor how long it will last.

A story 'doing the rounds'

It happened in an Underground station in London.*

"There were protesters on the concourse handing out pamphlets on the evils of Britain. I politely declined to take one. An elderly woman behind me was getting off the escalator and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, 'Madam, don't you care about the children of Iraq?'

The elderly woman looked up at her and said, 'My dear, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea and my grandson in Afghanistan. All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad-mouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your arse and open it."

* Needless to say the truth of this story cannot be authenticated - but I like the old dear's attitude........

(God Bless Great Britain - what there is left of it!)

More Humour......

....in view of my preceding post, one in the same vein. Previously posted nearly three years ago, although probably guaranteed to upset the ladies, it is a small piece that Mary Archer wrote for what was a Rag Week magazine, I believe.


The Fair Sex.


Element: Woman

Symbol: Wo

Discoverer: Adam

Atomic Mass: Accepted as 55kg but known to vary from 45kg to 225kg

Occurrence: Found in large quantities in urban areas, with trace elements in outlying areas

Physical Properties: Boils at absolutely nothing, freezes for no apparent reason, melts if given special treatment, bitter if used incorrectly

Chemical Properties: Affinity to Gold, Silver, Platinum and all precious stones. The most powerful money reducing agent known to man

Common Use: Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. Can be a very effective cleaning agent

Hazards: Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other

The discovery of a perverse, perplexing atom

What follows is rather old and may be known to some, however it is worthy of repetition. Courtesy of JoNova comes notice of something written by William Debuvitz in 1988 and appeared in the January 1989 issue of The Physics Teacher. William DeBuvitz was a physics professor at Middlesex County College in Edison, New Jersey (USA), retiring in June of 2000.

"Commonwealth Scientific and Industrial Research Organisation (CSIRO) announced the discovery of a perverse, perplexing atom.

The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3-6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other byproducts are produced."

A little Christmas cheer from 'aloft'

Courtesy of Katabasis:

'Events Bruxelles' drawn out

Summarised by two cartoons in yesterday's and today's Daily Telegraph:

You'll just love the new Tory 'referendum poster'

What happened to 'free speech'?

Jeremy Clarkson is being pilloried because of his assertion that those public sector workers who took part in the latest 'protest strike' should be 'taken out and shot'. This is a man who makes his living by being outrageous and flouting political correctness. This is a someone who, because of his views, you either love or hate. That he is reported, subsequently, to have apologised does unfortunately lower his 'standing' in my eyes.

James Delingpole (who else?) brilliantly summarises this latest controversy when he writes that it is Clarkson's critics who should be taken out and shot (preceded of course by our politicians who have allowed/instigated/promoted, utilising, naturally, their paid 'social organisers' - Ed.):

".....It should be patently obvious to anyone who is familiar with his style or has seen one of his programmes – ie: everyone in the world – that Clarkson didn't mean it. For one thing, being an informed fellow he would be perfectly aware that the government simply hasn't the money to spend on bullets right now....."

Remember Sarah Kennedy? From the Mail (yes, I know, I know.....):

"She was twice rebuked for racist comments: once, she said black people could run fast because their ancestors were chased by lions. More recently, she said she nearly ran over a black pedestrian because he was invisible in black clothing, until he opened his mouth."

Once any race loses the ability to laugh at itself then it has lost the will to exist - likewise, by allowing itself to be cajoled by those whose entire raison d'etré is purely to stir up dissent whilst 'feathering their own nests'.

To end on a 'polite' non-PC joke:

"When does a cub become a boy scout? When he 'eats' his first Brownie'" 

Wanna a new motor, John?

Ford has announced plans to acquire French automaker Renault and engineering teams have already joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
 

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger. This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it as needed.

Why we are in the state we are.....

So far, today has been one of those days when the wish to post has been  most noticeable by its absence, however in an attempt to possibly raise a smile amongst my readers I have been scouring quotations, both attributed and unattributed, which may provide reasons for the nadir to which this country appears to have sunk. (some quotations have been slightly modified)

Funny how it takes but weeks, even days, to throw billions at mismanaged banks and bankrupt countries - but its taken years, with no end in sight, to agree on matters vital to: the care of the elderly, fixing the NHS, providing a future fair for all, etc etc etc.


An American tourist attempted to pay for a purchase in US dollars but the London shopkeeper tried to explain that this was Britain and US dollars were not acceptable - to which the tourist replied that she hadn't had that problem in other third-world countries.


There may well be a reduction in stupid laws if politicians only were subjected to them for a trial period, with members of the public overseeing the effects.


The previous Labour government had intended to call the invasion of Iraq "Operation Iraqi Liberation" - just in time Blair spotted something wrong with the acronym.


Government is only good at one thing really - and that is to break your leg, hand you a crutch and then tell you that if it weren't for government, you wouldn't be able to walk.


History shows us what a great statesman is: a dead politician. Hence our country's need for more statesmen.


For years, at elections, politicians have talked to the country the way men generally talk to women, saying: "Trust me, go all the way with me and everything will be alright." What happened? Nine months later we're in trouble again......


It seems that our country holds the key to the energy crisis with shale gas. Folks, we've held the key for years now - all we needed to do was harness the rotational energy emanating from Orwell's grave.

With apologies to those who may already be acquainted with the above.

A philip to the greening of the transport brief?

It would seem the media and twitter are totally enthralled with the Liam Fox saga, presumably on the basis that this news trumps all others, so it would be discourteous to let such important news pass on this blog without at least some attempt to comment with the required degree of gravitas that it deserves.

With the announcement that Philip Hammond has been moved to the post of Defense Secretary, which seems an odd choice as Hammond's defense of HS2 was abysmal to say the least, then this can only be held as yet another questionable decision by what may be termed the chief executive officer of EU region UK. One can only suppose Hammond was delighted with his appointment as he must consider it a 'filip' to his career.

In regard to the appointment of Greening to Transport Minister, one can only hope that she shows more of a grasp of her new portfolio than she did as Economic Secretary, when she got 'trashed' by Andrew Neil on the Daily Politics. As a result of her performance then, it could perhaps be said that prior to wrecking the nations finances even further we should be grateful that she has been moved 'justine' time.

It is a requirement that all comments to this post continue in a similar vein - thank you.